Sometimes, when nothing makes sense aurally, I turn to writing to gain some coherence. Poetry is so personal and has such scope for emoting through form, rather than with words alone. Therefore it seems to me to be the most effective way to express what I’m thinking at a time when my brain aches with confusion and as words (ironically) fight for an order.
Epilepsy makes things difficult to comprehend on 2 levels as it strikes so arbitrarily. So here are two I wrote, one for each level of incomprehension. They do not conform to any specific form and are “no great pieces of art”, but to their credit they do vaguely follow a rhyme scheme…
Level 1: invisible conditions are hard to comprehend in general
Believe Me, I Can’t
Why do I have them, did I hear you ask?
The answer to that question is my constant task…
If I describe my symptoms, I’ll hear you say:
“Is this girl for real? No way, José”
The ambiguity and lack of logic of this thing
Makes it hard to know where to begin
What feelings are relevant and what are not?
Your guess is as good as mine, have a shot.
Are you dizzy? are you ataxic? No you’re fine.
To that I say: mark my words. Give it time.
I may be as Perky as they come today,
But soon enough you’ll see I’m not always this Okay…
And sure enough, eventually – you’ll see
One day I won’t stride in so confidently.
I’ll look tired, my eye will have this glaze
That show I’m seeing life through an incoherent haze
Don’t ignore it, I’m putting on a front.
If I could make sense I’d probably be blunt:
“I wish I could understand your words, or remember his
But I can’t. I feel like sh*t. That’s just how it is.”
Level 2: ataxia and it’s consequent side-effects leaves me in a general state of confusion. I cannot process what others say, let alone respond coherently.
I feel drugged, or embarrassingly drunk.
I’ve lost my sense of humour & all my spunk.
To retain any energy is not worth the fight,
So of the hopes and aims of the day I have to lose sight.
It is not without will, it is not without trying,
It’s just my mind and body keep not complying
My body goes heavy, my mind as light as air
And with no one in this room these visions do I share.
Panic sets in, here it all goes once more.
These paradoxical feelings again to the fore.
Did I go down or have I survived?
I could not bare having to be revived!
I better leave now before a grand mal hits,
No one gets used to seeing tonic clonic fits…
But nothing or no one in this state makes sense,
So any control I leave to others, hence.