A Poetic Response To Absolute Incomprehension

Sometimes, when nothing makes sense aurally, I turn to writing to gain some coherence. Poetry is so personal and has such scope for emoting through form, rather than with words alone. Therefore it seems to me to be the most effective way to express what I’m thinking at a time when my brain aches with confusion and as words (ironically) fight for an order.

Epilepsy makes things difficult to comprehend on 2 levels as it strikes so arbitrarily. So here are two I wrote, one for each level of incomprehension. They do not conform to any specific form and are “no great pieces of art”, but to their credit they do vaguely follow a rhyme scheme…

Level 1: invisible conditions are hard to comprehend in general

Believe Me, I Can’t

Why do I have them, did I hear you ask?

The answer to that question is my constant task…

If I describe my symptoms, I’ll hear you say:

“Is this girl for real? No way, José”

The ambiguity and lack of logic of this thing

Makes it hard to know where to begin

What feelings are relevant and what are not?

Your guess is as good as mine, have a shot.

Are you dizzy? are you ataxic? No you’re fine.

To that I say: mark my words. Give it time.

I may be as Perky as they come today,

But soon enough you’ll see I’m not always this Okay…

And sure enough, eventually – you’ll see

One day I won’t stride in so confidently.

I’ll look tired, my eye will have this glaze

That show I’m seeing life through an incoherent haze

Don’t ignore it, I’m putting on a front.

If I could make sense I’d probably be blunt:

“I wish I could understand your words, or remember his

But I can’t. I feel like sh*t. That’s just how it is.” 

Level 2: ataxia and it’s consequent side-effects leaves me in a general state of confusion. I cannot process what others say, let alone respond coherently.

An Episode:

I feel drugged, or embarrassingly drunk.

I’ve lost my sense of humour & all my spunk.

To retain any energy is not worth the fight,

So of the hopes and aims of the day I have to lose sight.

It is not without will, it is not without trying,

It’s just my mind and body keep not complying

My body goes heavy, my mind as light as air

And with no one in this room these visions do I share.

Panic sets in, here it all goes once more.

These paradoxical feelings again to the fore.

Did I go down or have I survived?

I could not bare having to be revived!

I better leave now before a grand mal hits,

No one gets used to seeing tonic clonic fits…

But nothing or no one in this state makes sense,

So any control I leave to others, hence. 

Advertisements
A Poetic Response To Absolute Incomprehension

Poems

Because I have to rewrite this months post so I have nothing else and, well, YOLO…

Enjoy some heartbreak masterpieces

 

When I was more angry than anything: 

I blocked you on twitter,

Unfriended you on Facebook,

But honey, that’s ’cause I was bitter,

You’re not off the hook

 

This was not a disconnection,

I still stalk you, you see.

It was merely self protection

Against anything that might hurt me.

 

But no this is not over,

Did you really think 

Things could be a field of clover

When I watched you chuck “us” down the sink?!

 

It doesn’t work like that honey,

Babe, sweetie, hunbun.

You may think I’m being funny,

But dear, the damage ain’t all done. 

 

The silence that we share,

The distance between us

Is too much for any friendship to bare. 

We’re going under a damn bus.

 

If you cared about me and us,

Like about our friendship and stuff

You’d pull me from under that bus

And build a bond that’s tough.

 

But of course you don’t care,

Or you don’t act that way.

And why would you dare?

I’m just a deranged girl at the end of the day…

 

Then when I was more sad than anything else:

I wonder whether you ever check up on me, 

to have a look and see how I might be.

Have I moved on? Am I ok?

Are questions I wonder whether you say.

 

But even if you do you won’t find the truth.

Of my grief and pain you won’t find proof,

Because although this hurt I cannot bare,

The words to release it I can fathom nowhere

 

So I ask: have you moved on? Are you ok?

Not that I really want to know the truth today.

For all I know you’ve found someone new,

Moving into the light, leaving me feeling blue. 

 

You have moved on, and one day so will I.

I will once again find someone who makes my soul fly.

So in the end what will be will be,

Although I’d still prefer it: forever Mr Mushy and me.

 

And finally a mixture of the two, will an element of “I’ve moved on”. How progressive of me…

A sharp tongue I possess,

But best if you know less

Than the others close to me,

Who know the bitch I can be. 

 

I can come up with lines quick,

Quicker than a light switch flick

That can make you hate me or quiver

As you hear my slick tongue slither. 

 

I don’t know why I protect you from this..

To see you crumble would be such bliss.

There are so many things I want to say

As some sort of way of making you pay.

 

But I guess that deep down

I don’t want to make you feel like a clown.

I would not mean most of what I said

And I know I should instead put my bitterness to bed.

 

So fear not, I will not start 

To you my harsh words I will not impart.

But I will say this, I miss you too much

And I can’t wait to be friends, back in touch. 

 

Poems